Catching Up

The last time I posted a blog was December 27, 2008. As I write this it is 6:48am on March 20, 2011. It seems impossible that it has been that long. Anyway, It is now 6:51am and I have been awake since 5:00am thinking. I don't know what made me resume the blog, except that it is a good way to share my heart with friends and family who aren't fortunate enough to get to hear my brain dumps in person. :-) Perhaps it is time to do a little catching up, so that which is happening currently might be read in the proper context. Bear with me?

It wasn't long after my last blog that life as Adam and I knew it changed irrevocably. After the new year (2009) was when rumors began to fly that Adam would probably lose his job along with hundreds of others at DBSI in Meridian, Idaho. Before long, that fear became reality, and we had some decisions to make. The loss of a well-paying, satisfying job is traumatic, with a small "t." Big "T" trauma like rape, the loss of a child/loved one, or other victimization is in a class of its own, of course. I don't intend to show disrespect to anyone grieving those types of heart wrenching losses. None the less, the loss of Adam's job, the extreme dissatisfaction I felt in mine, and foreclosure looming like a dark cloud finally broke us. Our marriage suffered some very hard blows, and brought us to the very serious brink of divorce. We had reached the end of our ropes. We were hanging over a cliff by the frayed, thinning edges of hope with nothing below but vast emptiness. The false allure of freedom in divorce tugged at my heart (and Adam's I'm sure) on a daily basis. Somehow, we were able to pull it together for one final effort, and relocated to Colorado Springs to be with Adam's mom and brother, and where the economy seemed somewhat more promising than that of Boise. Our careers, our substantial retirement and savings, our self-esteem, our sense of security, our dogs, our church family, our best friends, our house, our marriage...all seemed utterly lost to us.

No you are not reading the book of Job, though it sounds like it! I could write for ages about 2010 and all its ups and downs. I'll spare you with just some of the more entertaining tidbits to give you the gist. During a freakishly snowy fall, we moved into my mother-in-law's basement (not closets, no kitchen), I got a part-time job at a jewelry store, Adam was offered a minimum wage job at a call center "against their better judgment" (I kid you not), lost my job at the jewelry store due to the sudden onset of chronic migraines, our car broke down twice, and it just goes on and on and on.

Let me end this blog by sharing with you some of the positive aspects of our journey, because God showed us mercy in unmistakable ways. Stormie O'Martian is the author of The Power of a Praying Woman and various other books of that type. One chapter heading I always recall is "Just Enough Light for the Step I'm On." Our journey exemplifies this concept because while we were sad and lost, there was always just enough light to put one foot in front of the other. Before long we met some friends from church who were there for us in ways we had never expected. Jon and Stephanie, Chiantel and Jr, Eric and Chrissy, Cathy and Ben...they have all been examples of Christ's love and we are forever grateful for being friends to us.

Eventually, Adam got a better job, and though it isn't without its current challenges, it pays well. We moved into a darling townhome whose owner allowed me to paint all I wanted. I got a job at a community college where I am learning to teach psychology classes, and the clunker we drove has been replaced by a cute, four wheel drive jeep. We have learned to appreciate a "mega church" and have been learned to find community there. Our marriage is thriving, due in large part to Adam's courageous efforts to change some harmful habits. We recognize the graciousness of Anita and Michael for allowing us to live with them for a time when we needed a soft place to land. God has never been far from us, and although the last few years have been difficult to say the least, his people have shown us his goodness.

Things are not all roses, for certain. Even as I type Adam has texted me with fear that he may be facing layoffs once again. We don't know what will happen next, but we are doing our best to keep the faith. I hope this post doesn't sound like complaining to you. My intent was to catch you up, share our journey, and show God's faithfulness. We are blessed, no matter what happens. In the next day or two I will post with some of the happier things on our horizon! Because there are many! Will there be a little Cleary in our midst soon? Stay tuned!


Adam and me at the top of at 10,000 feet! We hiked all day to reach the top of Blodgett Peak. It was exhausting, but we made it! The exhilaration of reaching the goal was worth the trek.

Merry Christmas 2008!

Here are a few photos from Christmas this year. We are looking a little rough, but that's what you do on Christmas!

My Hip Hop Debut!

I just did something two days ago that is worth noting. It's worth more than noting, its worth a major celebration! Despite my advanced age and a debilitating medical condition known as "moveslikeawhitegirlitis" I just danced in my very first EVER recital! I can't describe how exciting it was and how proud I am of all the women who participated.

A few months ago I got a random flier stuck on my mailbox about enrolling in a local dance class. As you might have done, my first thoughts went to 5 year olds in tutus and all things pink (which, in fact, is not an inaccurate description, but more later). There was an advertisement for an adult hip hop class that ran from September to December with a recital upon completion. The adventuresome part of me began to whisper in my ear that this could be sort of fun...maybe even REALLY fun...and maybe I'd even be good at it...and maybe I'd finally participate in a recital! By the time I had made it back to the house from the mailbox I had my phone in hand and was calling to sign up.

You may not know this, but there is one thing that significantly exacerbates "movelikeawhitegirlitis." Trying to do hip hop actually. Turns out I was starting the class 3 weeks late and had some catching up to do. Have you ever tried to dance hip hop in front of other 30 year olds who have had 3 weeks more training than you? It is just a smidge humiliating. When I asked if I could just watch a couple of times, my instructor (a young girl whose body moves like a ribbon) said "Just do it! That's the only way to learn!" So away I went. Arms flailing, legs kicking, hips swinging I let it fly as only Elaine Benice could appreciate.

There is only one way to describe how I looked those first many weeks (and I would know thanks to the wall of mirrors in the studio), and it would be that I appeared to be having a seizure. Our instuctor tried to be patient, but she is only human, and a few times the words "train wreck" and "disaster" escaped her lips. Determined, we kept practicing right up until recital the week before the recital.

There are many happy moments from my childhood, but one thing I am sorry to have missed is the brief celebrity of recitals, sporting events, and school plays. For some reason I missed most of those things growing up and it is as if my development as an adult has stalled until I could meet this developmental milestone. So, with friends and husband in tow, I had my first recital this week.

AND I WAS A TOTAL ROCK STAR.

Shaking like a leaf and sporting my biggest hoop earrings I marched onto the stage as I were a premier dancer and all these people had come to see me. I smiled, danced, I shook my booty, and had a ball. I'm sure my performance was far from perfect (possibly resembling a mild fender bender rather than a full on trainwreck), but it was completely exhilerating. Through this experience I feel somehow jettisoned into readiness for the next milestone every girl must go through, whatever that may be. Now that I have danced in the glamorous company of a hundred pink tutus, feather boas, and tap shoes I think perhaps my next adventure will be closer to home. This summer be sure to take a drive by my house, as it may just be time for my first lemonade stand.

(Will post video in a few days!)

On Turning Thirty

Thirty. Hmmm..... Thirty. Thirty. I can't get used to saying it. Now, let me be clear. I don't want anyone out there thinking that I'm one of those people who is traumatized by turning 30. I'm actually cool with being in my 30's. After all, anybody who knows me knows my twenties weren't always an example for godly living. There is something very freeing about starting a new decade with a clean slate! I'm actually looking forward to leaving the old behind and looking optimistically toward the new. (I realize I just opened the door to "old behind" jokes. Bring it!)

Having said that, I am not immune to the social implications that come along with being 30. I mean, just yesterday I wore body glitter and put my hair in pigtails. It rocked. Sometimes I just wonder if I'm doing my 30s right. Aren't I supposed to be sensible by this point? I actually had a teenaged Walgreens employee stare at me like I was an alien when I asked her where to find good (really, really sparkly!) body glitter. I couldn't tell if she just didn't know what body glitter was or if she was thinking I was far too old to be purchasing that. Tip of the day: Walgreens no longer carries body glitter.

And then there's the expectation to have a solid career going. Hah! I have to laugh out loud even looking at those typed words. Whatever! My career is about as unstable as they come. Hopefully I have landed a long-term gig at Nampa Schools, but really, who knows where I will end up next? In my twenties, I thought of this aspect of my life as quirky, spontaneous, and passionate. Now that I'm 30, am I flaky? Irresponsible? Clueless?

Here's what I have decided. By the way, before I continue, I have to give credit to my mother in law Anita and my best friend Emily who guided me toward this happy revelation. Here it is, are you ready? Cause its deeply profound....WHO GIVES A FLYING FLIP?! I have come to the conclusion that I can be a body glitter wearing, pig tail sporting, professional counselor/baker/entrepenuer of whatever tickles my fancy, kind of girl in my 30s, and even into my 80s if I want. Although I may have moments of self-doubt, the thing I am comfortable in is that I am me, and I don't care what anybody thinks or what society thinks I should be. I am thrilled with my blue eyeliner, my hot pink high heels, and that new strappy top I just bought. I am happy in my own skin! I'd like to give a great big high five to my girls who wear false eyelashes, glitter gloss, diamond studded sunglasses, and electric purple nail polish. Rock on my good friends! We look GOOD!

Puppy Update-4 weeks!!

Here are some photos of our little monsters. As fond as we are of them...we are counting down the days till they are old enough to adopt OUT. Did you know that poop and pee on newspaper is actually a pretty nice paper mache' recipe?


Hi Sweetie!


Sorry, didn't have time to edit...gonna have to tilt your head!


Those little buggers have sharp teeth!


All pooped out after their first day in grass.

Death By Cuteness

Oh my gosh! Is it possible to keel over from too much cute? Adam and I are very proud grandparents to four teeny tiny puppies. For those of you wondering how we could have let this kind of thing happen to our little O'Malley, well, I'll tell you. We are the kind of parents who were underprepared for a very agile black shepherd who got himself a little somethin'-somethin' late December. 6 foot fence my hide!

Seriously. This is a whole new level of cute. So cute there should be some new word for it. As my clever sister would say, it "transcends" cute. It's meta-cute. Sigh...I get it that we are totally setting ourselves up for major tears when they are sold or given away. But I think it is going to be worth it. God put puppies on this earth, there is no mistaking that. Just this week I have been anxious in the extreme. I tried deep breathing, exercising, wine (tried this one a couple of times, just to be sure it didn't work), getting a manicure, and getting a massage, AND hiring a cleaning lady. Nothing. Ok, my nails looked nice...and the shiraz wasn't half bad. I came home one day and just sat in O'Malley's tent and just enjoyed their softness and squirminess and cute little baby noises. Ahhh. Not Death By Cuteness, but Calm By Cuteness. Thank you Lord for puppies!


There are no words!


Pardon my hair...it was bedtime.

Good Things Happen When It Snows

Adam asked me to be his girlfriend! Well, ok, not this morning he didn't. But on February 20th, 2001 he did. And it was snowing. A beautiful, sparkling, quiet snow. And ever since that day, good things happen when it snows. It is quite a neat story, which I'll have to tell you other some other time...

I know that sounds sentimental, but you'd be surprised how many magical things happen in my house when it starts to snow. I don't really believe in luck, in and of itself, but I do believe in God's abundant blessing and provision. And somehow, my doubts, my fears, my faithless questions become minimized during these sparkly winter days and God's voice is just a little more clear. It is a special thing Adam and I share, that good things happen when it snows. Over the years, we have joked about it, but little things here and there seem to prove it, like a twenty dollar bill left in the pocket of an old coat, an unexpected day off, or a phone call of happy news from a friend or family member. At all of these little blessings we just laugh and say "Well, it is snowing after all!"

And for me, it is kind of like this little smile from God that comes through louder and more clearly than other days. It's like a squeeze on the shoulder from a parent that says "I'm here, and you know what? It's going to be ok today." How many of us, when we get older and more independent don't still crave that? I LOVE snow. I love the happy memories it evokes. I love that it has created a special bond between my husband and me. I love that it inevitably means hot mochas and sweat pants (and yes, I am indulging in both at this very moment). I love that it means I'm allowed to stay inside and work on a cross-stitch that I started 12 years ago. I love that I can feel God's peace, despite the shallow and selfish nature with which I often include him in my life.

It is still snowing right now as I write this, and I keep losing my train of thought because the window is behind me and I keep turning around to see it. In this moment I am simply thankful, simply humbled, simply happy. I'm excited to see what good things are going to happen today, because when it snows, something delightful and unexpected always does!

These pictures aren't of snow really, but they are of one of my happiest winter memories.

Adam, Tater, and O'Malley ice skating on our creek.


A gorgeous sunrise over the frozen creek.


A nice place to hang out and watch my family ice skate!